Life is busy and somewhat dull. I started taking Prozac, it makes me more likeable at work but really lazy about actually doing stuff at my apartment. Leaving from work in the evenings, is me looking forward to cleaning up whatever disaster my stoopid dog has made being locked in the bathroom all day and laying on the couch watching tv. My weekend is pretty much the same, 'cepting the fact that I don't lock the dog in the bathroom all day and I don't have to go to work. The fact that I look forward to this dull lusterless type of life is the scary thing. I can't wait for the weekend, just so I can lay on the couch and not do anything. And yell at my stoopid dog for eating my carpet, my socks, by work boots, etc.

So,I'm back from overseas & my first experience back in a club is micro(midget) wrestling. I really can't see anything because I'm so short & it is so crowded in here. It's crowded enough that people are bumping by me. It's pretty loud in here as well. Listening to all the commentary is very funny though. I seem to be doing ok with all the noise, wish I was closer so I could get some pictures...

Life has been going ok over here. I work nights, sleep during the day, and try to fit everything else in. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.
I'm on a bit of hiatus on my website and deviantart, for people who have actually noticed. I'm just too busy to be able to post up or edit the site or dev. art, so I decided to take a break from it. I'll be posting to here a bit more often though, so keep checking it out.
Some of the artwork I'm currently working on:

There's really not been too much going on lately. Things have been quiet & boning. I've been working on my art a lot more, though I haven't started a project that I need to get done before Xmas. Which I guess I should start on soon, especially the research part of it...
Anyhow, my sleep pattern is absolutely shot. I dunno what's going on but I just can't seem to get any sleep.That's pretty much everything that's going on.

This feeling won't go away. It continues to haunt me and control me. It makes me want to cry and scream and beg all at the same time. It makes me want to forget and remember at the same time. To touch but not be touched. To be touched but not to touch. This feeling that I know where it stems from but cannot speak of, for it would probably just bring me more blissful torture. Or worse, end it all in a damning crash, smashing it into pieces, destroying it beyond itself, leaving me even emptier than I have been for a while. Will this feeling finally ebb away though, as time passes? I hope for and dread that day.
I've decided I do not want to return to the person I was five years ago. I'd rather be unpassionate and unbelieving in love, to deal with this hole, this gaping void, this darkness that forever latches on to me than to become that person again. To perform the way I was taught, to search for feelings that aren't real in someone else's touch, and then to damn myself later for it. To let myself be abused and broken, I won't do it again. I won't play that game anymore. I would rather be alone for the rest of eternity than to become that whore again. That's not the person I want to be, to fool myself into believing that sex is the only way I can feel loved. I know differently, I can deal with this loneliness, this emptiness, if only to escape hating myself for performing as I was taught. I would say damn them, my instructors in this way I was and am still, but I can't damn them. I want to be stronger than that. I want to be kinder than they were. I hope they can over come their crimes, to forgive themselves of their deeds so that they can find the happiness that everyone deserves.
I'm plowing ahead. I will use these hands of mine to create my life, my future. I will save myself, there is no "prince" for me, there is only me. And in the end, surely everything will be all right.

Work has been keeping me busy of late. Unfortunately, not busy enough for me to not think about what I don't want to be thinking about... Which is annoying and rather irritating. I wish it would pass, but it is continuing to cling on to me, these feelings I would rather not name.
Work on Arrianne has been going slowly, and definitely not steadily. I need to work on her and get her done, I know. I did finally update my website though, and the kiss site, though I am going to revamp the base page again, I hate the way that page looks. If you want to check it out go to: http://www.shadowsofdeception.com for the main page or http://www.shadowsofdeception.com/touch for the kiss page.

Life has been busy as of late. It seems that I am always running around in a whirlwind to get everything done.
I caught a nasty cold and am working on getting over it. I have a constant foggy feeling though, being back in a moist climate, which is rather annoying. It makes concentrating rather hard, but I'm starting to get used to it. I am impatient to get to a dry climate again....

Today I wrote a letter I will never send. Which I guess is just rather weird... But after I wrote it I felt a bit better, because I've been a bit down lately. Not like lets go out and be wild sorta better, but better. I've been almost getting depressed, sorta, but not really. And I'm feeling drained which is somewhat weird coming off a rather restful 4-day weekend.

So anyhoo, I've got a new doujin idea floating around in my head because of a really strange dream. Though I really need to start working on the other one.... And I need to repack up my stuff so that I'll be ready to move to my somewhat permanent residence on Friday, hopefully.

Work is going slow but steady. I really don't have too many complaints, we'll be doing some more training soon, which is hopefully going to get me more on track with the new computer system that is now being used. I was afraid to mess with it last time there was training but hopefully I'll get to play with it this time. It looks like it will be an easier system to use once I get around to learning it.

Yesterday didn't really go all that smoothly... But now it seems I'm situated and all for the moment, though still homeless... So I'm still staying with my aunt until that all gets sorted out.
Anyhoo, at the end of the year I'm bound for the place overseas that looks a hell of a lot like Arizona, or so I've been told.
Last night I couldn't resist and cracked the 360 open and started playing it. And enjoyed it immensely, so Dan you're right, I should have got one earlier than this...

Well, today was somewhat eventful, I guess. I ended up having an accident and had to amend the situation. The whole event rather got on my nerves a bit. Then I went over and got myself a 360, and a few games, so now my brother will stop bugging me to get one. (But in all actuality, I've been meaning to get one.) I've been downloading Speed Grapher through Itunes, I've been wanting to watch the series, but haven't had the time to go to the store and actually buy it. So I just went ahead and bought it from Itunes.

Tomorrow I should hopefully be getting my place to live. I have my fingers crossed, cause I know that sometimes things don't go as they're planned. And I'm known for having bad luck.

I'm probably going to start all over on Moonlight Legend and try again. I didn't like where my art was going on it, so I'm going to give it another try. (Its the Sailormoon Doujin I've been working on, by the way.)

I'm still working on getting more clothes ideas for Arrianne, I'm trying to make sure she has a half way decent wardrobe. I always tend to make somewhat small wardrobes, I'm trying to stop that from happening to Ari.

Pretty much that's really all that's going on. Of course tomorrow I get to work all day, so yeah...

As everyone can see I deleted everything and am starting my journal over from scratch. I am now relocated to Tennessee, which will be my home for a few months before I go over seas for a year or two. So far its not too bad, but I will see how things go. I'm going to try to keep this thing up to date but I certainly won't be making any promises.

I'm currently playing Valkyrie Profile: Lenneth on my PSP. Its really glitchy, but maybe (hopefully) that's because I got it as a used game. It likes to freeze up a lot and I have to power off the PSP for a little while and then turn it back on to get it to unfreeze. The game is actually a lot of fun and the storyline is pretty interesting, which is good, otherwise I would have been pissed over buying a really crappy game.

I'm very slowly working on Arrianne, meaning I'm collecting more clothing ideas to start working on again. I'm kinda waiting until I've got at least a semi perminant place to set up my laptop to I can get to work on her again. That should hopefully be sometime next week, hopefully I won't be too crowded where ever I end up living.